A little commentary on anxiety

SELFISH POST ALERT 

My next post was going to be on Eurovision and the great dancing that ensued in my flat on that wondrous occasion, but right now I’m just bored of mood journaling (journal as a verb, gross…. on a scale of one to ten, how did you feel at noon today? How about at one?) and thought this might be a bit more fruitful/less nauseating.

I always joke with my friends at work that I hate using the phone. The vaguely rational reason is that there are far more buttons than can be necessary (who the hell is popular/important enough to have 7 callers on the line?) and frankly it’s a pain in the arse to use. The less rational but more truthful reason is that it terrifies me, like a bleeping bomb about to explode on my desk. As I work/sit on Facebook my eyes dart between the computer screen and the phone.

Phew, it’s not ringing. Please don’t ring, please don’t ring…… ah shit it’s ringing. Let it ring. Let it ring……thank God…… ohh they’re calling back, crap. Probably can’t get away with leaving it again. People are looking. Hello? Hello? Hello? Why can’t they hear me? Oh, I’m not on the right setting, idiot. Now everyone in the office knows I’m an idiot who can’t even use a phone properly. Go into the loos where nobody can see you, who the hell cries because they can’t use a phone properly? Idiot. Yes, stay there.

I have to psyche myself up before ringing the doctor’s, the hairdresser’s, the dentist. This usually involves a script on a post-it note and a practice run-through in my head. What do I say when I arrive for the appointment? Quick practice beforehand, deep breath. What do I say to the girls in the office in the morning? If there’s nobody around, stand for a second outside the office door, deep breath, practise your Russian ‘hi’, then walk in quickly and confidently and hope that you don’t crash into your own desk AGAIN. Yes, nearly made it without anyone noticing.

Guilt. Horrible voice in head.

HA. Do you really think they give a shit? How can you be so self-absorbed, bitch. Didn’t you say that you hated people like that? You mean like YOU. Sit down and shut up.  

Frankly writing this has probably made me more anxious so I’ll stop here. Luckily for me, beer with some great people is on the horizon and my friends have the good grace to accept these oddities and simply hand me another glass of wine. Not to mention Jesus, who says to me every single day that it’s cool and we’ll begin afresh from this very moment. Somebody recently bore their soul to me about their own anxieties and it was super super helpful in making me feel less like a freak, and more like a human with some perhaps slightly special tendencies, so I have a lame hope that this might do the same for somebody else.

(Don’t worry- the post on Eurovision is coming soon)